What to Do about the Rapture

This whole Rapture thing strikes me as complete nonsense, but of course, I could be wrong. There really may be such a thing, and if you really believe it's real, then I'd ask you to put your money where your mouth is: if you truly believe that you will be taken from this material world, please be so kind as to donate all of your earthly possessions to worthy charities and projects that work on helping the poor and destitute. They'll need all the help they can get before things get truly apocalyptic...

And just remember, if you don't donate to the poor and sick, some jerk (probably a homosexual) is likely going to go through your stuff and rub it all over his gay body :) I don't imagine you'd like that, so don't let those queers get into your stuff. Donate it to the needy...

In the meantime, I plan on making the most out of this silliness. Tomorrow I will leave somewhere on a park or the pavement a pair of shoes, pants and a t-shirt in roughly the shape of a human being whose body was sucked by Jesus' celestial vacuum. For an added effect, I'll also leave an ice cream cone melting where my hand would have been... that should get a couple of gullible idiots wondering whether the shit is about to hit the fan for them. I hope there's thunder and lightning when this happens. That would be awesome.

Then I will dress up like Jesus, go to church, tell everyone this is finally my second-coming, and sign autographs for anyone who hasn't died of a heart attack... hopefully the padre will have a nice stock of wine and crackers for me, but I may have to decline on the pre-pubescent ass :)


Update: Here's the latest development in this all-too important story:

Figures...
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