And they say you can't get any jobs with a philosophy degree...

Despite my parents' constant worrying, when I got my Master's in philosophy I knew that there was a great multiplicity of jobs out there waiting for me.

I was not delusional, you see... I knew that although there was a competitive market, philosophers make some of the best waiters, car washers, bartenders, strippers (yes, some of use have killer bods...), gigolos, dog walkers, janitors, artificial intelligence engineers, dish washers, lab rats, cognitive scientists, construction workers, etc. Oh yeah, we also make the best philosophy professors... let's not forget about that one!

Well, add one more to the endless list of jobs for which I might be qualified:

Hi, my name is Devin. I just graduated with a degree in philosophy and welcome to the Halloween Store. I'm here to help you with all your Halloween needs. I studied the analytic tradition of philosophy with an emphasis in moral theory ... Oh, what? That over there? That's a Frankenstein mask. The low prices aren't the only things that'll scare you. What I found particularly compelling were Hume's metaethics. I, for one, agree with his emotivist stance on the nature of moral judgment and believe that any assertion of rationality as part of that process is only an ad hoc attempt to somehow "independently" justify the moral conclusions we've already reached, but, to answer your question, we're all out of capes, sorry.

Feel free to look around, though. If you get hungry, you can go over to the food court and eat at one of the restaurants over there. I recommend Hot Dog on a Stick. I went to school with the assistant manager, and we're pretty good friends. He actually has a master's in phenomenology, and I bet he could get you a free corn dog. Not that I agree with eating meat.

See, I've been greatly influenced by the work of the ardent utilitarian Peter Singer. His book Animal Liberation revolutionized the modern animal-welfare movement and had a great impact on my ethical thought. It's partly because of him that I believe that most nonhumans should enjoy the same kind of moral protection granted to humans. At Hot Dog on a Stick‚ though, you can get your nonhuman breaded and dipped in cheese if you want.

Although, lately, I've been really sympathetic to the work of rights ethicists and their writing about the possession of contingent moral rights. Anyway, ma'am, if you don't mind me saying, you look bewitching in that Wizard of Oz costume. We're having a sale on it next week, if you want to wait a few days to buy it. Well, I just want to help you out, because you seem like a really nice person. Not everyone's so nice. Last week, I caught somebody stealing, and I had to turn him in. Not that I'm a deontologist or anything, it's just that he broke the social contract that we've all implicitly agreed to here at the Northridge Mall. So, I felt I had to turn him in to the head security guard. I felt he needed to be punished at the hands of what Hobbes refers to as the sovereign power ... uh, Steve I think his name is. But thanks for visiting the Halloween Store, and I hope you've enjoyed your shopping experience as much as I have.

Source: McSweeney's Short Imagined Monologues